Why You Self-Sabotage Your Relationships
Some people get into relationships effortlessly.
They can’t be single for a month.
Within a few days of being single, they attract others.
This single person is now a taken person.
Others are different.
They are single for long bursts at a time.
They may date intermittently.
But that dating comes with a lot of twists…
The twists come with repeat harmful behaviors, limiting beliefs, and critiquing their partner too much.
Each story plays out the same way.
The person who hasn’t been in a relationship for a while was so close to having one.
Then suddenly, they self-sabotaged it.
Why People Self-Sabotage Relationships
There are many reasons people self-sabotage relationships.
It can stem from childhood.
Maybe this person saw their parents fighting a lot as a kid, and now those memories are in their subconscious mind.
Other times, people self-sabotage a relationship because they have an abundance mindset.
An abundance mindset with people can be a good thing.
Because it prevents YOU from being a nice guy.
A nice guy is someone who seeks approval from others.
They are born because they have a scarcity mentality regarding people.
If they mess up one interaction, they think the world will end.
Having an abundance mindset makes someone cool.
However, this can be a bad thing.
Being too cool causes someone to easily discard others.
As soon as a person displays one flaw, the cool person is like:
‘Why settle for less?’
Discard.
Another reason people self-sabotage relationships is due to priorities.
They don’t really want to be in a relationship.
It’s being forced upon them by their external world.
They are tired of hearing comments from parents, being the 9th wheel in hangout sessions, and being asked by coworkers:
‘Seeing someone yet?’
All these are possible reasons for self-sabotaging a relationship.
Knowing that You Self-Sabotage A Relationship
One of the toughest things to do is admit that you are the culprit.
Most people don’t think like that.
Instead, after a bad break to an interaction, the first thing the person does is go into “justification mode.”
Justification mode is when we point the finger at others.
In this case, the person we self-sabotaged the relationship with.
This person was too passive.
This person was always late for things.
This person always wanted to go 50/50.
Some of the criticisms may be valid.
But justification mode blows criticisms out of proportion.
It would be fair game if there was some sandwiching going on.
For every 1 criticism we list of our partner, we list 1 criticism of ourselves.
But that isn’t the case.
This becomes a one-sided finger-pointing session.
To make the situation worse, most friends encourage the finger pointer.
Rather than ask:
‘I see what they did wrong. What are some stuff you did wrong?’
The friends say:
‘Good for you! I would have done the same thing.’
If you are reading this blog, then give yourself the guilty till innocent treatment.
Assume that you do self-sabotage.
Then the rest of the post will make more sense.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging
When the priorities are right, self-sabotage is not a luxury we can afford to do.
For example.
Every now and then, I’ll get a client who tells me that he creates a lot of videos…
However, he never posts them on YouTube.
‘Why not?’ I ask.
He says he feels uncomfortable.
A few months goes by, and this guy gets fired from his job.
He has been getting some money from his business, but he needs a lot more money.
YouTube would be a great vehicle to promote his services.
After getting fired, he publishes content without a second thought.
What changed?
The priorities.
YouTube went from being considered ‘something nice to do’, to being a top 3 priority.
It’s easy to self-sabotage your diet when only the weight scale is looking back at you.
It’s difficult to self-sabotage your diet when a concerned doctor is looking back at you and says:
‘If you don’t get your act together, then you won’t have much longer to live. I estimate 2 years tops.’
We need to fix our priorities if we want to stop self-sabotaging.
And priorities are understood in pain, not pleasure alone.
What Are Your Priorities?
Be honest with yourself.
Are you someone who really wants to be in a relationship?
Imagine if there were no external stimuli pressuring you about your relationship status.
Would you still want to be in one?
If the answer is:
‘No, I would not want a relationship then.’
Then relationships are not much of a priority now.
All the affirmations in the world won’t help you.
If you answered:
‘I don’t care if others ask me about my status or not. I’d still want a relationship.’
Then the priority is high up there.
Why do you want it?
Get detailed.
Is this desire fueled by pain or pleasure?
Don’t undermine pain.
Pain can be a good way to push a priority high up the list and keep it there.
Do you want kids and feel like it’ll be too late?
Do you feel like you’re missing out on memories?
You’re making a lot of money but hoarding it, why not use it to create experiences?
All these will shoot the priority high up the list.
When the priority of relationships is high up there, then a lot of the self-sabotaging tendencies will melt.
No One Is Perfect
When the priority of relationships is low in our hierarchy of values, we look for the perfect person.
When the priority of relationships is high in our hierarchy of values, we don’t look for the perfect person.
We are okay with a flawed person.
When we are okay with the flaws of a person, it’s much easier to be patient.
When we are patient, we won’t be tempted to self-sabotage as much.
Instead, we will find ourselves enjoying ourselves for who we are.
And enjoying them for who they are.
