Why You Should Never Take Sides in an Argument

If 2 people are arguing, you shouldn’t take sides.

However, the logical mind is like:

‘I think Jake is making better points than Mary. How about I take Jake’s side?’

This is the wrong thing to do for the most part.

The reason why is because things are heated.

If you go against Mary, she will remember this for a long time.

She’ll think you don’t have her back.

And it doesn’t matter if you are making good points on why you are going against her.

All she’ll remember is that you kicked her while she was down.

In rare circumstances, it’s fine to take a side in an argument.

One person is clearly wrong and there are tons of evidence.

Unless you see evidence, then it’s best to fall back.

Falling back doesn’t have to be passive.

You can make moves by being a peacemaker.

Being the Peacemaker

During heated moments, people are looking for a 3rd party to take charge.

They want the 3rd party to reign in the 2 people arguing and lead them to a solution.

This requires some tact.

First, let them get off their initial anger.

If you’d don’t let people be angry at all, then they will just end up angrier.

So, let them yell and get out some anger as you sit on the sidelines.

After the initial anger is out of the way, that’s when you use both of their names more.

Avoid saying stuff like:

‘Calm down guys, calm down!’

Whenever you tell people to calm down when they are angry, they get angrier.

Use their names more and see if a peace agreement can be reached.

One of the best questions to ask to see whether a potential peace agreement can be reached is:

‘What does both of your ideal situations look like?’

This question will show you signs of a win-win situation.

If you can direct them to a win-win situation, then do it.

Otherwise…

Know When to Sit Out

Other times, you just need to sit this one out.

Your job is not to resolve every conflict out there.

With certain groups of people, they are either too heated or too familiar.

When they are too heated, being a peacemaker is not enough.

They need to work out these issues by themselves when you are not there.

It’s best to leave the scenario to just be silent and do something else.

Other times, these people are too familiar.

When they are too familiar, they will argue a lot in general.

You’ll resolve one heated argument for them to just get into another heated argument.

Not worth it.

Why We Want to Get Involved

The reason that we want to get involved in heated interactions is because it feels good.

When we say nothing during a heated argument, it feels like we are being too passive.

It feels wrong when we see that one person is right and the other person is wrong, and we are not doing anything about it.

For the most part, it’s not up to us to decide what’s right and what’s wrong.

That’s their situation to determine.

‘What if the whole group decides that one person is wrong? This is an issue we have all been talking about behind the scenes.’

That’s a great question.

When to Take a Side

A few years ago, one of our friends was struggling with alcohol.

He and his girl would argue about it a lot.

She thought he needed to seek help.

It was weird because they would argue about this topic in front of people.

And the people they would argue in front of would all take the girl’s side.

I think this was a fine situation to take the girl’s side because the guy was clearly wrong.

He was getting drunk and acting like a fool on a consistent basis.

The problem though was he still wasn’t receptive to the group’s message.

It’s hard to listen to people when they are all ganging up on you.

The people he’d listen to were the ones who’d pull him aside and talk to him.

So, I think you can take sides.

But how you take sides is important.

When you publicly do it, people often get triggered, and they shut down.

But when you do it behind the scenes, they are way more understanding and receptive to your message.

Friends vs Enemies

For you to really understand why it’s not smart to go against someone, recall a few moments when someone went against you.

Even if you were in the wrong, how did you feel when someone was taking your enemy’s side?

That’s how we perceive someone in a heated argument.

We view our opposition as an enemy.

This is the radical outlook that most people operate with when they are heated.

They are thinking in terms of:

‘Enemies or friends.’

When you realize this basic rule, you’ll be much better at keeping the peace with the crew or staying out of it.

Respectfully Check Others

There is a thing known as respectful checking.

As we grow up, we are all going to go down different paths.

Sometimes, we’ll notice a good friend needs a checking.

When that happens, let’s do it the right way rather than the socially unintelligent way.

The socially unintelligent way is to create more enemies rather than friends.

In this talk, I shared that it’s best to either:

• Conduct a peace agreement.
• Or stay the heck out of it!

When people are heated, all they see are friends or enemies.

Avoid creating more enemies.

After the tensions have simmered down, you can always create more conversation around the topic that caused the argument.

But know when to back off when things are heated.

In the social world, knowing when to do little is knowing how to do a lot.

For more insights into social intelligence, be sure to check out the Charisma King eBook

– ArmaniTalks