What’s the Difference Between a Mistake and A Choice?

Smart people waste years of their lives on the wrong person because they cannot tell the difference between a mistake and a choice.

Mistakes are born from ignorance.

Choices are born from information.

With choices, people knew what they are doing.

But they did it anyway.

It’s easy to be fooled because when someone is caught committing a bad choice, they will say it was a mistake.

When they say it was a mistake, they harness their inner communication skills.

Their tonality becomes powerful, their eye contact is on point, and they use their palms with grace.

All smoke.

They are lying and are hoping you will fall for it.

The sad thing is that many smart people do fall for it.

The Case of The Deleted Text Messages

When I was in undergrad, there was this place called the Marshall Center where all the other students hung out.

One evening, me and a few of the boys were chilling.

One of the friends sat at the table looking sad.

We asked him what was wrong.

He said:

‘Guys, I don’t know what to do with my girl.’

He told us a story of how his girl accidentally deleting a couple of text messages.

Hm…

How do you accidentally delete a couple of text messages?

With who?

He said:

‘With her ex.’

With her ex??

First of all, why are they still talking?

Second of all, what do you mean it was a mistake?

This seems coordinated.

To make matters worse, he said that she had done this before.

At that point, this seemed too obvious.

‘She did it before and you still think her recently deleting text messages was an accident? Bro, you’re such a dummy!!’

That’s exactly what he was.

A dummy.

He didn’t understand that this girl wasn’t some helpless person with a loose finger who accidentally deletes messages.

She had intent behind her moves.

Why People Struggle to Tell the Difference Between Choices and Mistakes

Humans love familiarity.

When you shake their familiarity, you shake who they are.

I get where this guy from the Marshall Center was coming from.

He was in love.

When we are in love, we have that familiar feeling of peace.

We want to keep that feeling.

When new information is introduced that will disturb that peace, we will do anything to block it out.

This is when we want to 3rd perspective ourselves.

We normally see life from 1st perspective.

But imagine you were watching yourself from afar.

What would you do then?

Or imagine if this situation was happening to someone else.

What now?

You’ll be surprised by how quickly you can spot the difference between a mistake and a choice then.

You’ll be watching the story from afar screaming:

‘That was not a mistake! That was clearly intentional.’

Spotting Mistakes Appropriately

Just like a lot of smart people confuse a choice as a mistake, the opposite happens too.

Where we confuse a mistake as a choice.

A lot of times, someone didn’t know any better.

Prior to meeting you, that’s how they behaved.

They had no clue that this was something that bothered you.

Let’s say there is a couple, John and Susie.

Susie is used to wearing tight short dresses.

She and her sisters wear these tight dresses when going out.

One day, John greenlights Susie to go out with her girls for a birthday celebration.

He spends the night at home.

The next day, he sees pictures from the event, and he is furious.

Susie’s dress is so tight and short!

She looks single.

He confronts her and says that she did this on purpose to get attention from other men.

Is this true or false?

It’s hard to tell.

Maybe she knew exactly what she was doing.

Or maybe this was a genuine mistake.

If this happened multiple times, then it is smart to reconsider the relationship.

But if this is the first time it’s happened, John should give more information on how he feels.

• Can Susie dress a bit more modest when he isn’t around, since they are in a committed relationship?

If John breaks up with her immediately after seeing the pic, then he’s being reactive.

He never took the time to see if Susie’s behavior was born from ignorance or information.

Dealbreakers

A dealbreaker is something that will immediately end the relationship if it is discovered.

Examples:

• Went to prison before.
• Cigarette smoker.
• Doesn’t want kids.
• Different religion.

Etc.

Imagine there is a police officer who is hardcore against drugs.

One day, his son is caught smoking weed.

The son may not have known that the officer was against drugs.

That doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter if the final action was born from ignorance or information.

A crime had been committed in the police officer’s eyes.

With dealbreakers, people view mistakes and choices in the same way.

Therefore, be clear with your dealbreakers.

And understand when you violated a dealbreaker for someone else.

When you cross that line, there is no coming back.

Watch Yourself from Afar

Emotions will cloud your judgment.

I’ve seen smart people waste 5+ years of their lives messing with the wrong people.

The shocking thing is that these smart people give their friends the best advice.

But for themselves, they keep acting like a dummy.

Mistakes are born from ignorance.

They didn’t know any better.

Choices are born from information.

They knew better and did it anyway.

Mistakes we can forgive, while with sinister choices, you need to watch out for.

Then there are deal breakers,

With dealbreakers, mistakes and choices are viewed in the same light.

It doesn’t matter if you did it because of ignorance or information.

All the other person sees is that you did it.

Learning these nuances is how you navigate around the social world.

Familiarity can easily make people do silly things.

For more tips on human nature, be sure to check out my book, the Charisma King

– ArmaniTalks