What to Do If Your Partner Has Toxic Friends
If you are hanging out with 4 bums, then you will become the 5th.
The opposite is also true.
If your friend circle is leveling up, then you’ll be forced to level up as well.
View your friend circle from the lens of real estate.
If you’re an okay property in a lavish neighborhood, then your property value will automatically increase.
But if you’re an amazing property in the hood, then your property value will diminish.
It’s easy to control your friend circle because you have the final say.
On the flipside, it’s difficult to control your partner’s friend circle, because you don’t have the final say.
Ultimately, it’s their choice.
The 2 Types of Toxic People
There are 2 types of toxic people out there, passive vs active.
I’ll start with active first because that’s what we are more aware of.
This is when people are going out of their way to harm you.
Let’s say you are having a good time at your birthday party.
Your childhood best friend has been turning into a toxic personality as of late.
He begins killing the vibe because you are having a good time.
He doesn’t like to see you having a good time.
So, he is actively trying to make sure that you are having a bad time by sharing embarrassing stories of you, acting bored on purpose, and showing poor body language.
Passive toxicity is more subtle.
These people love you and want the best for you.
They love you so much that they want to keep hanging out with you.
Let’s say you are at the stage of your life where you want to level up.
Whenever you’re trying to level up, your friends say:
‘Hey, let’s go to the club tonight and turn up!’
They aren’t necessarily harming you with a bad attitude, but they are passively wasting your time.
They suggest activities that deter you from your level up journey.
The 2 types of toxic are:
- Active – where someone is actively hating on you.
- Passive – where someone loves you and wants your time, to only waste your time…
Does Your Partner’s Friends Really Influence Them?
At first, you will think that the friend circle has little influence on your partner.
You aren’t even thinking about their friend circle.
You are thinking about your relationship.
Be aware though.
Snide remarks build momentum over time.
Look at Tyrese Gibson’s former marriage with his wife, Samantha Lee.
Initially, everything was going well.
They were in their honeymoon phase and posting social media content about each other.
After some time, she abruptly filed for divorce.
It was a messy divorce too.
Where she was accusing him of a bunch of crimes and coming for his money.
After the divorce, she was asked in an interview about her thoughts on her divorce.
What she said shocked the public:
‘It was a mistake, I let the wrong people get in my ear.’
People build a belief in something through repetition.
If multiple friends are saying the same thing about you, then your partner will eventually begin to believe them.
It doesn’t matter if your partner is normally a free thinker.
A repeated message slowly takes hold of them.
At one point, you are viewed as a sweet person who is looking out for them.
The next moment, you are cold, controlling, and a bad person.
Which Stage is Your Partner’s Friend Circle In?
Assess which stage your partner’s friend circle is in.
Imagine that you are trying to get married, and your partner claims they are trying to get married too.
However, your partner’s friend circle is filled with single people who want to go clubbing all the time.
Do you believe the stages align?
No!
The friend group is in the single stage, while your partner is in the relationship stage.
Your partner is swimming against their environment.
Imagine a different scenario where you have the desire to get married, your partner has the desire to get married, and your partner’s friend circle is already married.
What do you think the conversations will be like now?
- The friend group will enthusiastically ask for status updates to see how close you 2 are toward marriage.
- They’ll give mature advice when you 2 fight.
- Your partner will view a marriage as what success looks like.
Rather than wasting time, you’ll have a partner who is invested in the relationship.
If your partner’s friends are mainly single, and the 2 of you get in an argument, then your partner’s friends will be like:
‘Dump em! I need a ride to Happy Hour, you should accompany me.’
How to Get Your Partner to Cut Off Toxic Friends
Just like there are 2 types of toxicity, there are 2 ways to get your partner to cut their friends off.
- You do something.
- You do nothing.
By doing something, you come up with a clear case of why they are toxic.
You can’t just say, “I don’t like them.”
Instead, you:
- Share what kind of toxic they are.
- How it’s impacting the relationship.
- What you would like to see from your partner.
‘Look, sweetheart, your friends are passive-toxic. Sure, they want the best for you, however, they don’t have much going on in their life. They incessantly get drunk, hook up with random people, and talk bad about each other the next day. Your friend circle is holding us back from progressing in our relationship because you constantly have to clean up their mistakes. You don’t have to cut them off, but I prefer if you distance yourself from them.’
This is a command that hits all 3 bullets.
Other times, you don’t have to do anything.
Just keep investing in your relationship.
Make this the best relationship that your partner has ever been in.
Slowly, they will begin losing interest in hanging with their toxic friends.
They don’t want to aimlessly go to the club anymore to just forget the night.
Instead, they want to be present with you.
For more insights into emotional intelligence, check out the Armani Archives: EQ Edition
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