What Causes Clinginess in Relationships?
Clinginess is when there is a severe attachment to someone.
There are a lot of memes about that nowadays.
There’s a meme of a boyfriend chilling with his girlfriend for the entire day.
As soon as he’s about to leave, she gives a sad face and says don’t go.
That’s a humorous look into clinginess.
There is a dark side too.
A lot of relationships break apart because one partner is too clingy.
If we understand why clinginess occurs, then we’ll see it’s not always a bad thing.
As a matter of fact, it’s a very normal thing.
Why Clinginess Occurs
Clinginess is born from safety.
When one person feels safe around someone else, they will want more of their attention.
This safe feeling is born from:
- Physical touch.
- Compatibility.
Physical touch is when the person wants to be in the same physical location as someone.
It doesn’t always have to imply “hooking up.”
Although kissing, holding hands, and being intimate speed up the clinginess process.
Another variable is compatibility.
When a person feels like someone “gets them”, they will be clingier with this person.
From their view, they think:
‘Why will I be separate from you when we have the means to be around each other?’
Here’s why…
People Need Space
Although clinginess is good in doses, many people don’t like it too much.
The people who don’t like it too much are the ones who need alone time or are highly ambitious.
Highly ambitious people find it difficult to maintain relationships.
It’s because they are constantly working on something new.
A lot of things they work on require alone time.
They feel embarrassed doing it around others.
Let’s say they are practicing a talk for a convention.
They want to practice themselves.
If they are doing it with someone watching them, they feel hesitant.
Hanging out with friends also makes people realize when they are in a clingy relationship.
A lot of people want to hang out with their friend group like they did before they were in a relationship.
They don’t like it when they always have to invite their partner to a small get-together with their crew.
When a guy brings his girl to a boy’s night out, then the other boys feel more hesitant.
When a girl brings her boy to a girl’s night out, the other girls feel more hesitant.
Contextualizing Clinginess
I believe it’s better to have a clingy partner than an aloof one.
Also, men and women express love differently.
When a woman is beginning to like you, they will naturally be clingier.
They want more of your time.
You give her more of your time.
And they want more!
They become a vortex of wanting more of your time.
Men become more protective of those they love.
If it’s a casual hookup, they won’t have any rules.
But if they are beginning to like someone, they will create rules and boundaries.
Social media makes these qualities sound like a bad thing.
‘Bro, your girl is too clingy, dump her!’
‘Oh my God girlie, your man is so possessive. Run!!’
This is overkill.
Men and women express love differently.
Dial it Back a Bit
I think it’s okay for guy to be protective over their girl in a relationship.
But it can easily be overdone.
It’s overdone when the guy goes from making some rules to micromanaging:
- “You can’t wear this.”
- “You need to call me a minimum of 10 times when you’re at the event.”
- “And you are only allowed to talk to these 3 people in the event.”
This guy went from “protective” to “manipulative.”
He needs to dial it back.
Likewise, it’s okay for a girl to be clingy and want her boyfriend’s time.
It just becomes overkill when her desire for his time makes him lazy.
She wants to always chill with him at the risk of him sacrificing his other responsibilities.
This type of clinginess went from “love” to “selfishness.”
Dial it back.
‘How do I know how much to dial my clinginess back to?’
Great question.
Ask Them Their Preference
One question you can ask someone without making it a heated confrontation is:
‘What does your ideal situation look like?’
The other person will give their response.
A lot of times, they like the clinginess level that you bring in.
Other times, the guy wants at least 1 hour to himself.
‘I know we spend a long time away from each other because of work. I know by the time I get back; you want all of my time. But would it be okay if I could get 1 hour alone to play videogames?’
That 1 hour is what he is asking for.
If you can’t give him that, then he may perceive your clinginess as toxic clinginess.
And I get it…
In the real world, some people don’t want to give a whole hour.
Their thought process is:
‘We already don’t see each other for most of the day because of work. When we are off work, we should hang out. 1 hour feels like 5!’
Now you have to express what your ideal situation looks like:
‘I can give you 1 hour. But how about this… Can I be in the same room, and I won’t talk to you? You can play video games while I read my Kindle.’
He may be cool with it or not.
Just keep tinkering until y’all find a solution.
Clinginess Demystified
If you are not a clingy personality type, you may not get what this post is about.
You think:
‘Who cares if I’m away for 1 hour or 1 day? I’m coming back to the person anyways.’
That’s not how it works in the real world.
You need to put yourself in their shoes.
Think their language rather than yours.
Imagine if they say:
‘Who cares if I give my number to 4 guys, I’m coming home to you anyways.’
You’ll think:
‘What the heck, why are you giving your number out at all??’
The protectiveness will kick in.
It’s something that guys are wired for.
At least the masculine men.
Many feminine girls are wired to be clingy with the men they love and trust.
Rather than judging too much and slowly corroding your relationship, learn to work with and through the clinginess.
For more insights into emotional intelligence, check out the Armani Archives: EQ Edition.
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