The “Why Are You So Quiet?” Question

A polarized question in the soft skills world is:

• Why are you so quiet?

As you’re reading this, you may think:

‘Polarized?? I thought it was pretty one-sided. I hate that question!!’

I used to be like that.

Whenever someone asked me why I was so quiet, I would blush.

Growing up, I was really shy.

When someone asked me that question, it felt like they were shining a light on my flaws.

As I grew up, I learned people who were normally very talkative but are quiet today…

Like being asked the question, ‘why are you so quiet?’

Chances are that something is wrong.

And when you ask this question, they are happy that you noticed they were being overly quiet today.

When is the right time to ask this question vs the wrong time?

Spotting Quiet People by Nature

Some people are just quieter than others.

Others are shy.

‘Wait Armani, I thought quiet and shy were the same thing?’

Nope!

A quiet person can say more but chooses not to.

A shy person wants to say more but doesn’t have the confidence to.

The quiet person’s inner world is at peace while the shy person’s inner world is in turmoil.

Overall, their external state is the same.

They aren’t saying much.

If you ask a quiet person why they are so quiet, they are going to look at you like an idiot.

They will think:

‘Wait, you want me to use 50 words when 5 will do?’

If you ask a shy person why they are so quiet, then you will hurt their feelings.

They will think:

‘Dang, I can’t do anything right!’

When you notice that someone is quiet for the most part, then assume it to be a part of their personality.

It’s best not to ask them the “why are you so quiet?” question.

Spotting Quiet People by Situations

There was this one guy I knew who was always talking up a storm.

He was the life of the party.

At one event, he was barely saying a word.

It looked like he was sulking.

Most people were just walking by and not asking him anything.

He was doing the opposite of talking.

He was being quiet and trying to bring attention to it.

Doing these dramatic chin droops, Shakespearean sighs, and making his body small.

Eventually, I asked:

‘Yo bro, why are you so quiet? Is everything okay?’

Then he sighed again.

But this was a sigh of relief.

This sigh indicated that he was happy with me for noticing.

He talked about how he just got fired from his job.

When I asked him why he was so quiet, he began talking a bunch.

He still wanted to talk.

But he wanted someone to first notice that he was being quiet to show that they cared about his abnormal behavior.

Once he felt like others cared, he opened up.

If someone is usually talkative but is quiet today, then the question “why are you so quiet” makes them feel good.

Spotting Who to Ask This Question To

Ultimately, it comes down to judgment.

One thing that makes the decision easier on whether or not to ask the question is familiarity.

If we’ve known this person for a while, then we have an understanding of their baseline personality.

Are they normally a person who doesn’t say much?

Then we’ll withdraw this question.

Are they normally pretty social?

If this group is not saying much today, then we will ask the question.

You never want to ask the question “why are you so quiet” to someone you just met.

I’ve seen people do this at networking events.

Where the different members are in a circle.

One guy is not contributing much.

So, the guy who is the head of the convo singles out the guy who is not contributing much by asking him why he’s so quiet.

I can see the quiet guy blush once everyone begins looking at him!!

Avoid this question when you just met someone.

The Power of Acting Like You Don’t Notice

In the social skills world, there are going to be times when inaction is a form of action.

Sure, you can give your opinion on a certain subject…

But the question is, should you?

Just like it’s important to withhold mean comments, we should also know it’s important to withhold deflating questions.

When you ask a shy person why they are so quiet, it hurts their confidence.

They’ll remember it.

To this day… I remember this one gym trainer who kept looking at my brother the whole time we were talking.

He kept ignoring me.

In the end, this gym trainer asked me why I was so quiet.

I was furious.

He was ignoring me the whole time, then he asked me a question that highlighted my deficiency.

When spotting a shy guy, avoid asking the question “why are you so quiet” in public.

Even one-on-one, avoid noticing too much.

Just engage in the convo like you normally would.

If this guy wants to work on his shyness, he will.

If you want to play the tough love card, you can go for it.

Just know that it’s a risky move.

The tough love may work well.

Or this guy will resent you forever.

The Polarized Question

Hopefully, now you understand that the “why are you so quiet” question is polarized.

It’s not one size fits all.

The people who hate this question are shy and quiet people.

The people who love this question are the talkative people who are having a bad day.

Being able to notice things in the social world is great.

But every now and then, you want to notice without articulating.

Be stealth with your movements.

Avoid putting others on blast too much.

The people who win at social skills are those who make others feel comfortable.

For more insights into social skills, check out the Charisma King eBook