Look for Green Flags in Your Partner
Within the past few years, the phrase “red flags” has grown in popularity.
More creators are compiling their lists of red flags to look out for.
Also, there’s another new phrase.
It’s called the “ick.”
An ick is a distortion within the other person that we cannot unsee.
Due to the distortion, the relationship ends.
It’s good to be aware of red flags.
We don’t want to be overlooking something that can eventually come back to harm us.
However, I believe a balancing act is needed.
We need to introduce the concept known as “green flags.”
No Human is Perfect
There are folks who get the faulty relationship advice of:
- Make a detailed list of what you want.
So, they get super detailed.
Some lists go up to 50 desired traits.
This seems like the logical thing to do.
There is the quote:
‘To be terrific, you need to be specific.’
This quote works great with self-improvement, but not so much with people.
When we are creating a very detailed list with people, that’s when the list begins to add:
- Unimportant things.
- Contradictory things.
Unimportant thing:
I’ve seen folks who said:
‘If his shoes don’t match his belt, then I don’t want him.’
That’s an unimportant item that has been added to the list because of being overly detailed.
Contradictory thing:
I’ve seen folks who said:
‘I want my man to be ambitious and make me his number one priority.’
An ambitious man does not make his woman the number 1 priority.
He makes his skill the number 1 priority.
The more he invests in the skill, the more the ripple effects of his greatness positively enhance those surrounding him.
Ditch Detailed Lists
Detailed lists are bad.
For every few success stories, there are 1000s of horror stories.
A detailed list will have you rejecting a lot of great candidates.
Instead of having a detailed list, have a priority list.
List 2-5 priorities that you want.
No exceeding that!
- Same religion.
- Willing to move to the same location as me.
- Willing to have kids in the future.
This is a sample priority list.
Once we are clear with what we MUST have, then we are way more tolerant with the other things.
Scientists have a thing called the ‘variability factor.’
Where they can’t always get an exact response.
Therefore, they get rough estimates.
Within relationships, it’s good to have a variability factor.
We won’t get everything that we want.
That’s okay.
We just need to have the important things and be tolerant of the rest.
Example:
Our partner meets everything within the priority list but loses focus a lot.
It doesn’t feel like they are listening.
Okay, so that is a quirk you don’t like.
What’s something you do like?
This is when we introduce green flags…
Notice the Green Flags in Your Partner
When we have a word for something, that’s when it becomes real.
From here on out, we are introducing the phrase “green flags” into our vocabulary.
Green flags are desirable traits within our partner.
Even though the partner can’t focus when we are telling a story, they initiate hangout sessions.
They want to talk to us.
Once we note the red flag as:
- Can’t pay attention.
Then we follow up with the green flag of:
- Strong desire to engage.
That’s when the red flag doesn’t seem malicious.
When we just leave it as:
- Can’t pay attention.
Then we view the other person as malicious.
When they stop paying attention in the future, it’s easier to scold them.
But by acknowledging some of the green flags, it’s easier to make long-term decisions rather than impulsive ones.
Don’t Overdo Green Flags
Just like red flags can make us blind with hatred, green flags can make us blind with naivety.
There are plenty of folks who have been stuck in toxic relationships for ages because they only see the green flags in their partner.
The partner lies, cheats, and beats.
However, the recipient is like:
‘But there are green flags too!’
Overdoing green flags is a fast way to build blind spots of being in a toxic relationship.
This is why I’m not against those red flags lists at all.
I like it when a person share their experiences of red flags they have noticed in their exes.
It’s similar to business.
It’s great when a business owner shares all their screwups of the past.
This allows the newbie businessman to learn from the battle scars of the vet.
But if the vet is caught up in only talking about his losses, then the newbie will view the vet as a whiner.
It’s important for the vet to be like:
‘I took a bunch of Ls, but I captured a bunch of Ws as well.’
Avoid Discarding too Soon
I have a cousin who is very picky.
She’s getting up there in age too.
Whenever she asks me for advice, I don’t sugarcoat it.
I tell her:
‘Your perception of yourself won’t always be other people’s perception of you.’
I go in on her.
‘You’re too political, disagreeable, have a list of demands for the other guy but get mad when they have certain expectations of you. Plus, you’re not in your prime with looks anymore.’
Since I’m her cousin, she doesn’t get mad at me for saying that.
It feels like I splashed some cold water on her face.
I need to be harsh because she only sees red flags in others.
She is quick to discard guys for their political beliefs, height, income, and belt-to-shoe matching skills.
Now she’s almost 35 with nothing to show for it.
It’s one thing if she didn’t want to be in a relationship.
But the thing is she WANTS one
Her life would be better off if she quit only looking for red flags and icks.
Introduce the phrase “green flags” into your life cuzzo.
