Law of Reciprocity: The Art of Giving & Taking
Do you know what’s one of my biggest fears?
- To lose my wallet.
One day, I was recording a podcast, and everything was going wrong.
I felt sleepy and wanted to finish recording.
But each time I was trying to record, there were interruptions.
- A neighbor turning his lawn mower on & off.
- Water pipes making sounds.
- A couple arguing outside.
I’m never going to finish this podcast!
Eventually, the noise settles down.
Dead silence.
I begin recording the episode.
As I’m in the final portions of the episode…
I hear a knock on my door.
Dammit!
I get up and walk towards the door.
I look through the peephole.
Outside my door, I see a guy who lives on my top floor.
I haven’t talked to him too much.
Actually, I’ve never talked to him at all.
Saw him walking with his dog before, but never said hello.
Why is he knocking on my door for?
I don’t want to create small talk with this guy.
So, I don’t answer.
I continue to look through the peephole to see his next moves.
He continues to knock.
- I don’t answer.
He knocks again.
- Why isn’t this guy going away??
Eventually, I think he sensed me looking at him through the peephole.
That’s when he holds up a black wallet and begins waving it in front of my door.
I’m thinking:
‘That wallet looks just like my wallet.’
I look at the place I normally keep my wallet.
It was empty.
This guy is holding my wallet.
Quickly, I open the door.
This gentleman asks:
‘Hey, did you drop a wallet?’
He opened the wallet to show my driver’s license and jokingly said:
‘This guy sort of looks like you.’
I said:
‘Yes, that’s my wallet! Where did you find it?’
He said he found it right next to my car.
The wallet must have slipped out of the baggy shorts that I wear to the gym.
I’ve never lost my wallet before.
And the first time I lose it, a good Samaritan returns it?
When this guy returned my wallet, I said:
‘Hey, stay here for 2 minutes. Let me go to the ATM to get you some money.’
He said:
‘Not needed, man. If I dropped my wallet, I would want someone to return it too.’
Then he walked away.
As he was walking away, I felt a strong sensation in my body to give this guy some money.
I wanted to see the joy in his eyes when he saw his kind act immediately being rewarded with some cash…
The Following Days
For the next couple of days, I would see this man walking with his dog.
Before, I wouldn’t even acknowledge him.
Nowadays, I would give him one of those weird head nods.
This was my way of saying:
‘Hey, I remember what you did by giving me my wallet back.’
Those head nods were so awkward.
I guess it was my energy of wanting to return the favor, escaping from my body.
I really wanted this guy to ask for a favor.
But he didn’t ask anything of me.
After a year, things changed.
One day, I was getting some work done.
Suddenly, I heard a knock on my door.
I got up and looked through the peephole.
It was the gentleman who returned my wallet.
I opened the door and asked him what’s up.
He looked perplexed. He said:
‘Hey dude, I got locked out of my place. Do you mind if I can use your phone to call my locksmith?’
I ran over to my phone and gave it to him.
Finally, all that energy can be released into a tangible favor.
‘Here you are! Talk as long as you need.’
He only talked for 2 minutes.
Once he was done, he gave me my phone back and said:
‘Thanks a lot. You’re the only person who opened their door.’
He left.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
The favor had been reciprocated.
The Messiness of Life
We often think of the law of reciprocity in a clean way.
We think:
- You give value, and you will immediately get value.
If the value isn’t immediately returned, then the law of reciprocity feels like a flop.
I call this:
- Law of Reciprocity: McDonald’s Edition.
At McDonald’s, we give money to the cashier and immediately get our sandwich.
But in the real world, the law of reciprocity is messy and defies expectations.
We don’t always get back what we expected.
And we don’t get it back at the time we expected it.
The Wallet Story Decoded
When the guy gave me my wallet, he did not immediately get anything back.
It would take a year before something came back.
A logical mind would say:
‘When this guy is given something back, it will also be of a good Samaritan returning his wallet!’
But that wasn’t the case.
Instead, when it was his time to receive, he did not receive a lost wallet.
Nor did he receive money.
He received a desired phone call.
If a person is too logical with the law of reciprocity, then they will be blind to the services/favors/products they are given back.
Because the things we are given do not always come in the form that we expected.
Plus, this guy had to wait a year to get his gift back.
‘Um…Armani? Does that mean I have to wait a year?’
I don’t know!
As I said, the law of reciprocity is messy.
Due to the messiness, predicting anything is an illusion.
Focus less on the outputs, and focus more on the inputs.
Focus on the right attitude.
The Correct Attitude of Giving and Taking
Wrong:
- When giving, you’re thinking about taking.
- When taking, you’re thinking about giving.
Right:
- When you give, give.
- When you take, take.
The guy who returned my wallet wasn’t thinking:
‘I will give this guy his wallet back, but what will I get in return?’
Instead, he gave the wallet, then received a phone call.
Rather than giving the wallet while expecting a phone call.
Read the above 2 lines again…
Subtle difference.
But subtle means gargantuan when dealing with emotions.
For more tips on social skills and EQ, be sure to sign up for the Armanitalks FREE Daily Newsletter!
– ArmaniTalks 
