How to Accept People for Who They Are

2 ways a person can easily become judgmental are by:

• Getting an engineering degree.
• Practicing self-improvement without knowing why.

When you get an engineering degree, you are trained to look for what is wrong.

That’s step 1 in troubleshooting.

Identify the issue.

Once we identify the issue, then we fix the problem.

This works well with machines, but it doesn’t work well with people.

Humans hate to have their problems articulated out loud and worked on by someone they didn’t give permission to.

As for self-improvement…

What is the purpose of self-improvement really?

‘Uh…’

It’s to build awareness.

However, many use it to build the ego.

Rather than understanding their role within the world, they begin to think the world revolves around them.

Results?

Hardcore judging of others.

I’m going to explain why trying to change someone rarely works.

And why if you want this person in your life, you need to accept them for who they are.

Why Changing Someone Rarely Works

Think about a moment when you tried picking up a productive habit:

• Waking up early.
• Going to the gym consistently.
• Eating healthy.

Etc.

Were you immediately able to adopt the new habit?

‘Nah.’

What happened?

‘I failed many times before I adopted the new habit. And many times, I didn’t end up adopting the habit at all.’

Exactly.

When we tried to adopt a new habit, we learned about concepts like:

• Deliberate practice
• Repetition
• Mindful consumption
• Subconscious mind

Etc.

Hopefully, we made the realization that changing is hard!

If we find changing ourselves so hard, then why do we think changing someone else is so easy?

At least you wanted to change.

The person you are trying to change may not see anything worth changing.

So, you’re fighting an uphill battle.

A battle that you are bound to lose.

It’s Not Personal

My perspective on listening changed when I understood that people mainly listen to things that are relevant to them.

One time, I was sharing a story about how King of Queens was such an underrated show.

It was wayyy ahead of its time.

But the person listening only heard the phrase, Queens.

He lived in Queens.

Then he began telling a story of his last trip to that borough.

I was furious.

That wasn’t the purpose of my story!

However, that’s how he listened.

Humans see the world how they see themselves.

Which brings me to the point of personalizing.

When we see a behavior that we don’t agree with, it’s easy to be like:

‘This person is doing this behavior to annoy me!’

But they don’t just do that behavior with you.

If there was a camera following them, then you will see they behave like that with everyone.

It’s not personal.

Part 1 of Accepting Someone for Who They Are

The first step to accepting someone for who they are is to ask:

• Do I even want this person in my life?

We don’t want to lower our expectations for temporary people.

We know people like this.

The person who used to be cool but got vindictive out of nowhere.

They began to cause more headaches than bring peace.

Sure, you can work on the relationship, but you definitely want to ask the question:

‘Is this a relationship worth fixing?’

Simply asking this question will allow you to get a better grasp of what you should tolerate and what you shouldn’t.

Part 2 of Accepting Someone for Who They Are

I’m going to introduce a plot twist.

Part 2 of accepting others for who they are is to bring the spotlight onto YOURSELF.

‘Me? I already accept myself for who I am! I thought the purpose of this talk was to focus on others?’

Nope.

This step is all about you.

List one of your behaviors that will annoy most people out there.

Say this behavior out loud.

When you say this behavior out loud, it becomes something real, rather than something that you brush under the rug.

One problem with me is that I’m not the best at keeping in touch.

I’m really bad at it.

After you identify the thing that you’re bad at, list the consequences of that bad behavior.

How is it hurting your perception among others?

For me:

• Others feel like I’m ignoring them.
• A lot of acquaintances have become strangers at this point.
• I hurt my brand with those who I accidentally ignore.

After getting detailed like that, now look at the person you are trying to change.

Suddenly, there is a different vision you have of them.

Rather than being too idealistic about who they could be, you are realistic about who they are.

When we bring the spotlight on ourselves and feel the pain of articulating our deficits out loud, it allows us to humanize the person that we are judging.

By humanizing them, we begin to accept them.

What You See is What You Often Get

One reason that relationships fall apart is because one partner has faulty expectations.

They think:

‘I know Jake isn’t like X yet, but I know that Jake can be like X one day.’

This false expectation brings impending doom….

Because the person trying to change Jake will always view Jake from a judgmental lens.

They will be upset that Jake is not progressing fast enough.

But Jake has no clue that he’s supposed to be progressing towards this ideal image that his partner has of him.

Let me wrap up with 1 final point.

There are behaviors that can easily be fixed.

Like if your partner consistently leaves their plate on the table after eating.

No need to accept that, ask them to clean it.

However, certain behaviors are entrenched in us.

Behaviors are hard to form and even harder to alter.

Be realistic when dealing with people.

Otherwise, you are going to leave a trail of resentment in others.

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