Here’s Why Your Questions Suck!!
If you ask questions in a conversation, then congratulations.
You are automatically ahead of many others.
Many people do not ask questions in a conversation.
Instead, they only respond to questions.
‘So, I am a part of a rare group because I ask questions? Great! Now I can take a nap, right?’
Nope.
- It’s not just about asking questions.
- It’s about asking the right questions.
Many people don’t ask questions in a smart way.
In today’s blog, I’m going to share the suboptimal way to ask questions.
Then I’m going to share the correct way to ask questions.
Let me first tell you about an interaction where I was left disappointed.
See if you can spot what was wrong with this interaction.
The Lost Friend
When I started ArmaniTalks, I had a bunch of folks ask me for free public speaking advice.
I didn’t respond back to many of them.
However, there was 1 guy I responded back to.
This was the guy who always gave me free rides when I didn’t have a car.
One day, he hit me up to ask for some public speaking advice.
I immediately began sharing a lot of tips:
- Practice your speech 5x to perfection. Whenever you mess up, start over.
- Do pushups before you begin practicing, so you learn to coexist with the rapid heartbeat.
- Dress up on speech day.
- Look at the 3 most engaged members from the left, middle, & right of the audience.
He is looking at me & nodding his head.
I’m assuming he is absorbing everything.
Then he asks:
‘What’d you eat for breakfast today?’
The Cardinal Sin of Question Hopping
This buddy asked me a question.
Good!
But he asked me a question that did not relate to what I was telling him.
Not good!
When my buddy did that to me, I thought 2 things:
- He wasn’t paying attention.
- What I was sharing was not interesting him.
I’m not a mind reader though.
Maybe my buddy:
- Was paying attention.
- Found what I was saying to be riveting.
But that was not my interpretation…
I had a negative perception of him after he asked me a question completely unrelated to the subject matter.
My buddy was a question hopper.
Drill-down Questions
The antidote for question hopping is to ask drill-down questions.
Drill-down questions are when you probe further into the subject matter at hand.
During the interaction with my buddy, these were the following content material I shared:
- Practice your speech 5 times to perfection, whenever you mess up, start over.
- Do pushups before you begin practicing, so you learn to coexist with the rapid heartbeat.
- Dress up on speech day.
- Look at the 3 most engaged members from the left, middle, & right of the audience.
What’s a possible way to drill down?
First, spot the target.
Let’s go with point 3:
- Dress up on speech day.
Possible drill-down questions he could have asked me:
- Is fashion really that important?
- What do you normally wear for your speech?
- Do you mind if I steal your style?
All these questions imply that my buddy is still paying attention.
Plus, it deepens the conversation.
Whenever certain points jump out, don’t hesitate to deepen your line of questioning.
Many are in a rush to switch topics.
But avoid switching topics too much.
When to Question Hop
‘Is it fine to ever switch topics?’
Yes, of course.
Question hopping is not always bad.
At a certain point, we exhausted the conversation material for a certain topic, and now we can ask a question that is unrelated to the topic at hand.
I like to view drill-down questions like paraphrasing.
Whenever someone struggles with listening skills, I suggest:
- Occasionally paraphrase what the other person said.
Paraphrasing forces you to:
- Be present and listen.
- Contribute your perspective.
- See if you really understood what was said.
But it’d be weird if we were always paraphrasing, right?
Then the conversation wouldn’t progress.
That’s why we use our own judgment to paraphrase complex conversation material and let the rest of the points flow.
Same thing with drill-down questions.
We need to use our judgment on when to ask them.
‘When do you normally ask drill-down questions, Armani?’
- Whenever I’m intrigued by something.
One time, I was talking to a guy who said he never wears shorts.
But we just got done talking about how he loves to go hiking.
So, I asked:
‘Wait, you don’t even wear shorts when you go hiking??’
He shook his head.
But he shook his head in a glowing way.
His face implied:
‘Dang, I’m surprised you were able to spot that.’
Because him hiking & not wearing shorts would have gone over most people’s heads.
They wouldn’t have been able to spot a possible connection.
But when you are not always question hopping, you’re able to pick up on subtle things.
PS: What kind of madman hikes with jeans on??
Adding Flavor to Your Questions
For your next conversation, try to have atleast 1 stint where you ask drill-down questions.
Scenario A:
Other person: ‘I just got done emceeing an event.’
- You: ‘How long have you been emceeing for?’
Other person: ‘2 years.’
- You: ‘Not to sound stupid, but what exactly is an emcee?’
Other person: ‘Where the speaker talks about a topic in-depth, the emcee keeps it light & serves as the glue guy for the event.’
- You: ‘I see! What made you choose to be an emcee & not a speaker?’
Other person: ‘Funny enough, I actually was a speaker for the longest. But one day, I wanted to challenge myself and see if I could emcee an event.’
See how easily the conversation is flowing?
Now contrast that with the following.
Scenario B:
Other person: ‘I just got done emceeing an event.’
- You: ‘Cool. What’d you eat for breakfast?’
Other person: ‘I went to this new brunch spot & had eggs.’
- You: ‘What are you doing tonight?’
The first scenario was harmonious while the second scenario was clunky.
In a world filled with clunky conversations, aim to build harmony.
For more practical strategies to have better conversations, be sure to check out my book:
- Speak Easy: How to Be Articulate, Assertive & Audacious Around People
GET HERE:
🗣️Ebook
🗣️Paperback/Kindle
🗣️Audiobook
