Difference Between Flattery and Compliment

Complimenting is born from real data points while flattery is not.

Flattering someone can be strategic at times.

But overdoing it transitions you from being a kind person to a brown-noser.

Remember the phrase “teacher’s pet”?

This was the person who would do anything to win the teacher over.

The teacher’s pet thought his polite behavior would yield results when the teacher was grading his papers.

Those who flatter too much often want something.

Complimenting isn’t like that.

We are PULLED into complimenting someone.

I’ll tell you about a situation where I was pulled to compliment someone and why it’s different from flattery.

The Guy That I Hated

Well, hate is a strong word.

But there was a kid who I had a friendly rivalry with.

Let’s call him Blake.

Blake was this 6-foot-3 guy with long hair, was skinny, and funny at times.

Since he was 6-foot-3, girls loved him.

Blake knew girls loved him and he would always brag about it.

He’d always roast me about being taller than me.

I’d roast him for making more money than him.

I could never feel at ease around Blake because the second that we were about to have a deep conversation, he’d declare some type of competition on me.

‘Look at the way that you were sitting when you were telling that story. You were slouching. Sit up, Armani! Look how I sit.’

This guy was getting on my nerves.

One summer, we didn’t talk at all.

By the time summer break was up, I noticed something.

He was HUGE!!

Before, he was this lanky kid who couldn’t fit up a shirt.

But now, he was filling up his shirt and looking buff.

I was getting into the gym around then too.

I knew how hard it was to do what he had just done.

Suddenly there was a PULL in me.

‘Looking swole, Blake.’

‘Thanks, Armani,’ he responded.

Flattery

I was pulled to compliment Blake because it was based on a real-life data point.

A real-life data point is a stimulus that is presented to our senses.

Our nose senses a beautiful fragrance.

• ‘Great new cologne, bro!’

Our eyes sense an aesthetically pleasing face.

• ‘Wow, you’re very beautiful.’

Our ears sense a beautiful melody.

• ‘Your voice is music to my ears.’

All these compliments are born from data points that are perceived from firsthand experiences.

Flattery is different.

Flattery is not born from the senses, instead, it’s born from the desire to please.

One of my buddies from West Palm had moments when he would ass-kiss.

He’d overly hype someone else up and make them get a big head.

I noticed he behaved like this with new people that he met.

There was a guy named Vivek who was once visiting West Palm from Orlando.

When the crew got together, Vivek joined us.

I kid you not, my buddy had his ass-kissing hat on that day.

• ‘You got with how many girls in Orlando? Wow!’
• ‘Well, you have a great beard, no wonder the girls like you!’
• ‘You have a lot of game bro!’

This guy was overdoing it.

Maybe his senses were sensing something, and I am just judging him.

But to me, his behavior that night felt like flattery, not complimenting.

Since Vivek was new to the crew, my buddy wanted to impress him.

He tried to impress a little too much that day.

He went from complimenting to brown-nosing.

Is Flattery Ever Fine?

I think flattery is fine in doses.

Because we won’t always have the data points to uplift someone.

There will also be times when the data points are telling us one thing, but we don’t want to report the truth because we may hurt someone’s feelings.

For example:

If you go to someone’s house and they cook for you and the food sucks…

Do you tell them that the food sucks if they ask?

Some people may, but I’m not.

I’m just going to say:

‘It was amazing! Thanks for your hard work.’

This is a mini-flattery moment.

Even if they didn’t ask, I’d still willingly offer the info of:

‘Great food, Stacy.’

Even though the data point was not based in reality…

Even though my tongue tasted something that wasn’t great…

To maintain decorum, I will flatter her.

I think flattery in doses is perfectly fine.

It only becomes a problem when we overdo it.

Dangers of Flattering Too Much

When you flatter too much, it makes someone big-headed and makes them lose respect for your words.

This is a very similar effect to listening too much.

Listening is fine.

But when you listen TOO much, you condition the conversation partner to ramble in your presence.

After allowing them to ramble for too long, it’s hard to get a word in.

Similarly, when we flatter too much, the recipient begins to view us as their errand boy.

My buddy who was flattering Vivek like that didn’t do the group any favors.

Vivek was walking around like he was some sort of big shot.

The flattery got to his head.

Complimenting and flattery are not the same!!

When we compliment someone, we are often pulled to do so.

While flattery relies on more conscious effort.

Sniper Compliments

With relationships, we may compliment more because that’s our partners’ love language.

• Aka: Words of affirmation.

However, if you’re not in a relationship with the person, make the compliments a bit rarer.

To do this, unleash sniper compliments rather than generic compliments.

There’s a difference between:

‘Looking good.’

Vs:

‘Looking swole! Have you been hitting the gym lately?’

The first compliment is too generic.

It doesn’t state what about them looks good.

While the second compliment is SNIPER-like.

It acknowledges what about them looks good (they look buff) plus it also acknowledges their work ethic.

Personalize your compliment.

That way, you will avoid the brown-nosing territory.

For more insights & tips on social skills, be sure to check out the Charisma King eBook.

– ArmaniTalks