Can You Still Be Friends With A Friend’s Ex?
In the real world, there’s a thing called the “unwritten rules.”
These rules are not explicitly stated, but others expect you to know them.
One of the unwritten rules happens with basketball.
When one team is blowing another team out, the unwritten rule is for the winning team not to showboat.
If the winning team is showboating while up 40 points with 20 seconds remaining in the 4th quarter, then the opposing team may get violent.
When the opposing team gets violent, the general public says:
‘I see where they are coming from. The winning team broke the unwritten rules.’
One of the unwritten rules with emotional intelligence deals with hanging out with a friend’s ex.
- Yay or nay?
The Unaware Armani
There was this one time my fraternity was hosting a dinner.
For this dinner, we were going to invite all the ladies who supported us throughout the year.
These ladies were known as the Sweethearts.
In one chapter, we were suggesting potential Sweethearts.
One brother suggested:
‘How about Veronica? She always brings her sorority to our events.’
The brothers nodded.
Someone else suggested:
‘What about Jessica?’
The brothers nodded.
I suggested:
‘What about Kortni?’
The brothers were silent.
After a long awkward silence, one of the brothers said:
‘Nah, no Kortni.’
‘Why not?’ I asked.
I was baffled that Kortni was being rejected.
She always supported us and helped us clean up after our events.
She deserved to be a Sweetheart.
That’s when one of the older brothers reprimanded me.
‘Armani, Kortni is John’s ex. We roll with our brothers before girls. Come on man, you should know better.’
All the other brothers nodded in agreement.
I thought:
‘What’s the big deal? They broke up!’
It was unanimous.
Kortni would not get nominated.
What the Brothers Understood
The brothers understood that during breakups, there are casualties.
It was a weird position for them to be in because Kortni never did the fraternity wrong.
Only John & her had a problem.
The brothers were in a weird position where they had to tell Kortni:
‘Look Kortni, despite you doing so much for us, we have to roll with John.’
In a logical world, we would’ve created a win-win for everyone.
In the real world though, there was no win-win in this situation.
What was strange about all this was that John was so quiet.
He never stood up and said:
‘Do not invite Kortni! She is my ex and I still have feelings for her.’
Instead, he was SILENT.
He just observed to see which brothers would abide by the unwritten rule.
All the brothers understood the assignment besides me.
John never forgot.
There were times he would make snide remarks to me on our GroupMe.
He once wrote:
‘Maybe we should teach Armani what brotherhood is about.’
Dangers of Hanging with Your Friend’s Ex
A lot of friends will tell you one thing while feeling something different.
They’ll say that they are cool with you hanging out with their ex.
But if you consistently do it, they will view you as a snake.
I don’t make the rules.
The general public does.
It comes down to friendship.
- Is this a friend whose toes you are willing to step on or not?
During breakups, people remember who was loyal and who wasn’t.
If you’re constantly hanging out with your friend’s ex, then they will put you in the disloyal bucket.
Granted, there are some highly mature folks who really don’t care.
They closed that chapter and moved on with their lives.
But most people aren’t like that.
If you suggest from the beginning:
‘Nah, I’m not going to hang out with her. She just dumped Sam. I’m chilling with Sam.’
Simply stating something like that out loud will make Sam view you as an ally.
If he allows you to hang with her anyway, I guess you can.
However, I wouldn’t recommend it.
The Awkward Predicament
I would say the weirdest situation is when you were friends with BOTH parties prior to them getting into a relationship.
That’s when nuance is needed.
Thus far, I’ve been talking about:
- You being friends with one person.
- They began dating another person.
- You become cool with the person they began dating.
- They broke up.
- Now you end the relationship with the person they were dating.
But if you knew both folks before they were dating, then that’s a different ball game.
I believe it’s fine to be friends with both people then.
It’s smart to say:
‘Look, this isn’t personal, I’m cool with both of y’all. Please don’t drag me into this.’
This awkward situation often happens with couples in their 30s+.
I’ve seen a couple who became friends with a new couple.
The new couple broke up and the old couple was in the awkward position of:
‘Do we invite the newly divorced couple to the same event?’
It’s a tricky situation indeed.
How to Not Be Cool and Be Cool at the Same Time
Following the unwritten rules is completely optional by the way.
I’m just stating that it is a thing.
If you plan to stop talking to your friends’ ex, no need to be malicious.
It’s fine to be cordial when you see them.
The main thing to be wary of is hanging with them one-on-one.
Or inviting the ex to an event and not inviting your friend to an event.
A lot of friendships break apart due to poor post-breakup etiquette.
Be there for your friend.
Remember the ex was only in your life because of the friend in the first place.
Remember who was primary and who was derivative.
As time heals the pain, in the future, who knows what will happen.
Just avoid hanging out with a friend’s ex right after a breakup.
People categorize their friends in 2 buckets right after a breakup:
- Were they loyal or not?
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