Why Compromising Feels So Difficult
There are 2 types of compromise:
- The clean compromise and the messy compromise.
A clean compromise can be negotiated.
An example is choosing a vacation spot.
Let’s say you’re tired of your wife always choosing the vacation spot.
So, you suggest:
‘You get to choose the location 50% of the time and I get to choose the other 50%.’
This was a compromise that could be boiled down to numbers.
Nice and clean.
Then there is the messy compromise.
This is when 1 person gets their way while the other person gets an identity shift.
This type of compromise is incredibly hard.
An Example of a Messy Compromise
The vacation spots can be boiled down to numbers.
What about where to live?
Imagine that the girl is from the West Coast and the guy is from the East Coast.
The girl is flexible on where to live; however, she would strongly prefer the West Coast because that’s where her life is.
The guy is not remotely flexible on where to live.
It’s either East Coast or no Coast.
This is going to be tricky.
For this compromise, there are no numbers.
The girl has to be willing to make an identity shift.
Yes, she was born and raised in the West Coast…
Sure, all her friends and family live there…
And yes, her parents could’ve been great grandparents who saw their grandkids whenever they desired.
Now she won’t get her way.
It rips away at her.
Everything feels so unfair.
Here’s the kicker though…
Messy Compromises are Rarely Logical
To make it tougher, messy compromises are not based on logic.
It’s based on emotion.
Imagine if this guy’s career is very important to him.
He’s one of those guys who creates startup companies.
Well, the West Coast has way more opportunities than the East Coast for that.
She lays out her case.
Logically speaking:
- The guy’s career is important to him.
- There are more opportunities for the guy in the West Coast.
- Therefore, the guy should be open to moving to the West Coast.
If he weighs the decision and eventually reaches the conclusion that he won’t move, that’s fine.
But he’s not even taking the time to weigh the decision!
That’s what pisses the girl off.
He’s just saying it’s final.
It feels like he doesn’t understand what a big transition he is asking her to make.
She is open to making the transition, but she wants more logic from his end and less emotion.
Payback Time?
Eventually, the girl makes the transition.
She moves.
This is when a weird dynamic begins to happen.
The girl thinks:
‘I had to change something big for him. What am I going to ask of him in the future so he can prove his loyalty to me?’
As the girl is thinking this, the guy thinks:
‘I got her to change this big thing. I’m surprised she listened! I wonder what other things I can get her to change?’
The guy has a habit of playing video games.
The girl nags him to stop playing video games.
He logically lays out his case on why video games help him feel relaxed.
This time, she’s the one being emotional and throwing logic out the window.
Video games soon become a sore subject.
Anytime he is about to turn on his console, she rolls her eyes and starts an argument.
At the same time, the guy really wants her to stop wearing makeup.
So, he keeps telling her that he likes natural girls.
Initially, he drops hints.
Later, he blatantly states it.
She is furious.
It feels like he’s trying to change who she is.
She snaps!
She brings up the move she was forced to make.
The guy is blindsided.
He never knew she felt that strongly about the move…
This is what a messy compromise looks like.
When you get someone to change their identity, it opens a can of worms.
How to Properly Deal with a Messy Compromise
When someone compromises for you, your goal is to reward that good behavior.
All humans crave words of affirmation.
They want ongoing soothing words that highlight whether they are on the right track.
If someone makes a big life change for you and you just say:
‘Thanks.’
Then go back to playing video games, then you have not given them words of affirmation.
A better way to word it would have been:
‘I appreciate you for making the change. We are just beginning our journey together; I’ll always have your back like you had mine.’
And you don’t just make that comment once.
You make that comment a couple of times to remind them that you didn’t forget their sacrifice.
That’s what encouraging good behavior looks like.
The other person may ask something of you in the future.
This time, the ball is in your court to make an identity shift.
You normally go clean-shaven, but your partner really likes it when you don’t shave.
You feel a sense of confidence when you are clean shaven though…
Now what?
There is no easy answer to this.
The main thing to know is that there will be times when someone asks you for an identity shift.
You may have to cut back hours on your profession, grow out a beard, allow their parents to live with you…
Something.
When something serious is being asked of you, just know this:
- You can run away from messy compromises, but you can’t hide.
A Big Part of Growing Up
I sometimes hear people say:
‘I always get my way.’
That may work in a small-scale system or when you are just in the beginning of your relationship with someone.
But in the bigger picture, you don’t always get your way.
There will be times when you have to adjust.
The change they want to see from you makes no sense.
It’s emotional, not logical.
A lot of times, you will be able to talk logic into them.
Other times, they won’t care.
They are possessed and they are adamant about getting this change from you.
What do you do?
Not all compromises are clean and to the point.
Many compromises are messy and long-lasting.
For more insights into emotional intelligence, check out the Armani Archives: EQ Edition.
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