How to Stop Finding Faults in Others

Picture an engineer.

An engineer is taught to dissect, spot problems, troubleshoot & fix.

Imagine they take this mentality from their professional life to their social life.

What are they going to do with other people?

They are going to dissect, spot problems, troubleshoot & fix.

‘Hey, you said you were going to be here at X time. But you showed up at X + 10 time? Here is the resolution….’

When we dissect too much, our tendency to find faults in others adds up.

They are the outsider.

We give them the guilty till innocent treatment for future interactions.

Allow me to take you on a journey on how to stop finding faults in others.

I’m going to tell you a story first so the resolution will stick.

Out of Ideas…

Around college, there was one year that I was the External Vice President of my fraternity.

I was responsible for throwing parties.

The 1st event I threw was a tailgate.

• It was a hit.

The 2nd event I threw was this cultural dance show.

• It was a hit.

The 3rd event was a talent show.

• And it was…. you guessed it! A hit.

I needed one final hit to seal the deal as being one of the greatest External VPs.

I heard a few people talking shit about how I was going to do a bad job.

If I could deliver 4 hits, then I’d make them eat their words.

But there was a problem.

• I was out of ideas.

I had no clue what the theme of the next party should be.

The more I thought, the more I shot blanks.

I needed help.

So, I decided to hit up the former vice president, Abbas, to see if he could help me out.

He said he’d be free on Sunday.

Sunday rolls around.

I meet Abbas at a Jamaican buffet.

Soon, I asked Abbas what I could throw for the final event.

I was expecting us to do a couple of minutes of brainstorming.

But that’s not what happened.

Abbas immediately blurts out:

‘Red light green light.’

He said this was a party our fraternity used to throw.

But for some reason, we stopped throwing it.

It would be a great finale if I could revive the red light green light party from the dead.

He began describing the concept of the party…

Red Light Green Light

Imagine you go to a party and find an attractive girl.

You ask her for her name, and she says:

‘I’m taken!’

So, you go to another girl and ask her for her name. She says:

‘I’m taken!’

After the 5th time, you think:

‘I really wish there was a way to tell which girl was in a relationship and which one was single.’

That’s what red light green light is for.

• Anyone who is in a relationship must come in red attire.
• Anyone who is single comes in green attire.

As Abbas was explaining the concept to me, I immediately knew this was going to be a hit.

It was just a matter of bringing the details into reality.

Planning

For the next couple of weeks, we got to work.

• We got the venue set up.
• Created the Facebook invite page.
• Invited people.
• Sold tickets.

And much more.

Weeks flew by and everything was set up.

Now it was just time to wait & see what happened.

The night before the event, I had an ominous realization:

‘What if 95% of the folks who came wore red? How awkward would that be for the 5% in green??’

If most of the people in attendance wore red, then the whole concept of the party is ruined.

Rather than ending my year with a bang, I would end it in disgrace.

This worry haunted me for the rest of the night…

What was the result?

Luckily for me, something awesome happened!

We had a 53% – 47% split.

More green in attendance than red!

That party was a blast.

The best event of the year.

Not only did the event give me respect, it also gave me a lesson.

The Rise of Red Flags

If 2010 was the information age, 2020+ is the context age.

• What does all this information mean?

We have prominent creators who consume the information and make sense of it.

Then they create content from their perspective.

Some of these creators have the right intention.

They want to shed light on the truth.

But a lot of these creators are simply trying to go viral.

One type of content that goes viral is the red flags list.

Have you seen that?

‘It’s a red flag if a person does this, this & this.’

These posts blow up.

When a consumer internalizes these lists, they change.

Nowadays, when entering an interaction, they do so with a different eye.

Rather than being present in the interaction, they’re looking out for red flags in the other person.

I’m not against these red flags posts by the way.

I think they serve a lot of practical value.

Knowing the correct red flags is a great way to save time.

But if you only see red flags, then that is not good.

Just like it would not have been good if only people wearing red showed up to my party.

So, what’s the fix?

Green Flags

Where red flags are negative qualities, green flags are positive qualities.

Let’s say a person has poor hygiene.

That’s a red flag.

What’s a green flag?

This person calls and checks up on you when you’re feeling off.

By factoring in green flags along with red flags, we sharpen our judgment.

Mind you, I’m not saying to stop looking for red flags.

Instead, I’m saying to look for green flags too.

Anytime you find a red flag in someone, occasionally ask:

‘Before I ghost this person, can I find at least 1-3 green flags?’

As soon as you find at least 1-3 green flags, the impulsiveness melts.

Fault-finding tendencies melt.

Now you’re capable of viewing this person as a whole, rather than a bundle of mistakes.

If you enjoyed this talk and want to learn more about social skills, be sure to check out my eBook, the Charisma King

– ArmaniTalks