Absorb Feedback Without Getting Offended
In Toastmasters, there is a section called evaluations.
An evaluator is assigned to a speaker.
The evaluator’s job is to listen to the speaker’s presentation and see what they did right and what they could improve.
Speakers love hearing what they did right.
But many don’t like hearing what they could improve.
Every now and then, the speaker gets offended.
‘Who is this evaluator to tell me that I am not a good speaker?’
It’s not just the evaluator.
A lot of clubs have a thing called ‘love notes.’
These are anonymous notes written by club members and guests to the speakers.
Don’t let the “love” part fool you.
These notes can have stinging criticisms too.
One time, I got a note which said:
‘This speech was not your best. You didn’t have the energy that you normally do. Not sure what happened to you.’
I felt sad.
Then I wondered who the hell wrote this??
I must talk to him!
Or her!
I noticed the message was written in pen.
Which other club members were using a pen?
Then I had to stop myself.
I’m being silly.
The only way to improve is through feedback.
Why Feedback Stings
Feedback stings because it feels like the critic is attacking us, rather than the skillset.
When I was living in Virginia, one of my roommates made dumplings for the entire house.
Most of the people said that the dumplings tasted amazing.
But one roommate said it was too salty.
Immediately, the girl began crying.
The critic had no clue what he did.
He was attacking the dumplings, not her.
However, the ego has the tendency to personalize.
That’s why I was looking for the person who critiqued me in the love note.
It was because it felt like they were attacking me, not my energy.
The only way we overcome this tendency to personalize is by reminding ourselves:
- They are attacking the act/skill, not me.
How to Absorb Feedback
When I got that love note, I felt a lot of emotions.
Later, I realized that this anonymous writer was correct.
A couple of hours before the meeting, I was sleeping after a big meal.
Your boy had chicken and rice from this Latin spot.
And this Latin spot gives a lot of food.
I woke up from the food coma and one of my friends said:
‘I volunteered you to give a speech at the meeting tonight.’
I told him that I couldn’t do it.
Heck, I didn’t even know if I was going to the meeting.
I wanted to go back to sleep!
But he encouraged me to come.
I was going to be participating in a speech competition next week, so I needed all the practice I could get.
I went to the meeting and gave the speech.
When I got the critical love note, I was initially mad.
After the emotions subsided, I could feel my belly.
I was still stuffed.
Wait…
This critic was 1000 percent right.
I didn’t have the energy I normally did.
I still wanted to go back to sleep!
Normally, I went to speeches hungry.
I never knew why.
But after seeing that the food made me visibly low energy, I decided to continue going to speeches hungry.
On the day of my speech competition, I consciously chose not to eat.
I had energy in that talk.
This was a situation where I was able to absorb the criticism.
I heard what the person said and adjusted my behavior to match the criticism.
Not All Feedback is Good Feedback
I used to love rap and my brother loved rock.
There was a band called Green Day that was taking the world by storm.
They had hit after hit.
They were on top of the world!
Everything was going well.
Until they disappeared.
What happened?
How could they capture their momentum again?
During a group discussion with my friends, I suggested:
‘They should stop doing rock music and begin doing rap music.’
That was my feedback for Green Day.
Do you think it would be wise for Green Day to absorb that feedback?
‘Hell no!!’
Why not?
‘Because they are a rock band, not a rap group.’
Exactly.
Not all feedback is good feedback.
Just like we are capable of distinguishing a penny from a quarter, we need to be able to distinguish bad feedback from the good ones.
How to Distinguish Good Feedback from Bad Feedback
I believe public speaking builds awareness like none other.
It’s a master class on learning about yourself.
In the beginning stages, a speaker may not know much about themselves.
This will cause a new speaker to absorb all feedback.
After giving a couple of speeches, the speaker will develop a style.
This style will allow the speaker to distinguish good feedback from bad feedback.
I had a public speaking coach who once told me to only talk about public speaking for my brand.
But that feedback did not resonate with me.
I didn’t want ArmaniTalks to be a public speaking brand.
I wanted it to be a soft skills brand.
Since I had a vision for ArmaniTalks, I ignored my coach’s feedback.
He also gave me good feedback.
Every now and then, my face looked too stiff during my opener.
He told me to stretch my face before a big talk so I would look more animated.
This was good advice.
I had to develop my public speaking style to distinguish the pennies from the quarters.
Avoid Personalizing to Get Better
If a football player were to say he’d be playing his best football at age 50, that’d be a laughable statement.
At age 50, he’s not going to be in peak athletic shape.
But a public speaker at age 50?
I wouldn’t be surprised if the speaker was giving their best speeches then.
The only way to get better with age is to be open to feedback and absorb the good ones.
If everyone around you is too nice, then give yourself feedback.
Watch your talks back.
See what you did well.
See what you can improve.
Then improve.
For more insights into public speaking, be sure to get the Speaking Wizard eBook.
