Why Do Exes Come Back After a Breakup?
I was asked a question recently:
‘Armani, would you entertain someone on a dating app if they just got out of a relationship?’
I asked, ‘How long ago was the breakup?’
They said, ‘1 week.’
I responded with an emphatic:
‘Hell no!!’
After a breakup, it’s not over.
There is a thing called the dance…
Where the ex reaches out to the other person.
They go down memory lane together.
And from there, they think about getting back with the person.
If I entertained this person, then I would have wasted my time.
The person needs to be broken up for at least 3 months before I even think about entertaining them.
Why Exes Come Back
Exes come back because they miss you.
With relationships, we are responsible for all parts of our judgment.
Back in the days, family members were responsible for setting us up in relationships.
Nowadays, we are in charge.
Modern relationships give people a peek into what it’s like being the CEO of a company.
Let’s say Tim is dating Mary.
The 2 use all parts of their judgment to see if there is chemistry, compatibility, similar life goals, etc.
They both decide yes, and they begin dating each other.
One day, Tim decides Mary is not right for him.
He ends it.
After exploring the market for a while, Tim sees that the other girls don’t compare to Mary.
He comes back.
He used all of his judgment to end it with Mary.
He gathered more data.
Now he sees that his judgment was faulty.
This is very similar to a CEO running the company one way.
Then he goes to a conference, learns new strategies, and comes back to his company as a changed man.
When you are responsible for making decisions, one new piece of information can change everything.
Tim got new information from his time as a single man.
Now he wants to change his strategy.
He wants to go from being single back to being in a relationship.
Should You Invite an Ex Back to Your Life?
I would say no.
If someone was cool leaving my life, then I don’t want them back.
If I invite them back, then they will derail my moving-on process.
Moving on after a breakup is tough!
It comes with a lot of ups and downs.
If I am 3 months into the process, and an ex comes back, then I will revert back to my old ways.
After a breakup, my philosophy is to go no contact.
Even if they wanted to reach out to me, they can’t.
It’s because they’re blocked.
But most people aren’t like me.
They are not as ruthless.
Should they give an ex another chance?
Sure.
But the question to ask is:
‘What changed?’
If they are just coming back to you because they couldn’t find anyone better, then you want to ask yourself if you want them back.
Are you really okay with being the second option?
Have a bit more pride!
How Long Does It Usually Take Before an Ex Comes Back?
Don’t get your hopes up.
Not all exes come back.
Plenty will just disappear forever.
For the people who come back, it’s hard to give an exact timeline.
From my experience, I’ve seen the range fall within 3 to 14 months.
They wait…
Because if they immediately come back, then you will be reminded of the pain of the breakup.
So, they wait a few months.
After a few months have passed, chances are you forgot about the strong emotions of the breakup.
Now when you see them, you feel positive emotions (miss them) rather than negative emotions (hate them).
The one who typically comes back is the one who would often apologize first during an argument while y’all were dating.
They are used to initiating contact with you.
Watch Out for People Who Just Got Out of a Relationship
Back to what I was discussing at the beginning of the post.
Avoid entertaining people who just got out of a relationship.
They come with a lot of baggage.
You need to let people process their emotions before giving them a chance.
What if you fall in love with them, and they go back to their ex?
People who get dumped feel a lot of pain.
That pain allows them to tap into different parts of their personality.
Right after a breakup, I was fearless.
I thought, ‘I’m feeling so much pain in my inner world right now. So, what’s the pain of rejection? I will approach this cute girl at the bar because she can’t affect me.’
Prior to a breakup, I was timid.
After a breakup, I was willing to take more risks.
People who just got out of a relationship are very responsive.
They are bold on text.
They will go the extra mile.
Many of them will love bomb.
They want to find someone before their ex finds someone.
I recommend you avoid entertaining people who just got out of a relationship.
Right when you think they have moved on; they are returning back to a former relationship.
Move On and Quit Waiting for an Ex to Come Back
There are some people who count down the days till their ex returns.
Rather than move on, they make eye contact with the past.
Move on bud.
Go to the gym.
Write.
Pick up a hobby.
Socialize.
Once you’ve processed your emotions, go back to the dating field.
You’ll notice that once you’re leveling up, your ex will randomly hit you up.
‘Hey, you left your shirt in my apartment a while back. I just wanted to see what you want me to do with it?’
Since you spent the time leveling up, rather than saying:
‘I’m on my way to pick it up!!’
You’ll write:
‘You can throw it away.’
That chapter of your life is closed.
You know you’ve moved on from an ex when the thought of going back to them makes you laugh.
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