Why Being Too Calm Can Make You Seem Disconnected
In Toastmasters, one sign of a good speaker was someone who had nerves but learned how to manage them.
Veteran speakers would often say:
“The nerves never go away. You just learn how to deal with them.”
Poor speakers, on the other hand, let their nerves ruin their experiences.
If they felt nervous, they might drop out of speeches entirely.
Worse yet, they’d confuse cowardice with a “gut feeling,” saying things like:
“My gut was telling me it wasn’t smart to give the speech.”
In Toastmasters, I learned that nerves aren’t the enemy.
Success is determined by how you handle them.
The Birth of Calmness
No one is born calm.
Calmness is cultivated over time.
I’ve never seen a “zen baby.”
Babies are chaotic by default.
As they grow into kids, teens, and eventually adults, they (hopefully) become more composed.
However, the baseline isn’t calmness…
It’s raw emotion.
Participating in programs like Toastmasters offers a crash course in staying calm under pressure.
It teaches you to deal with rapid heartbeats, watery eyes, and dry mouth.
When you face high-pressure situations in one area of life and thrive, it becomes easier to manage challenges in other areas.
Toastmasters, for example, equips you to remain calmer in all aspects of life.
The Danger of Being Too Calm
When you’re too calm around nervous people, it can give the illusion that you don’t care.
It’s similar to being a quiet yet productive worker.
The quiet worker may be doing their job perfectly, but coworkers might perceive them as aloof or arrogant.
This can lead to misunderstandings and even resentment.
Similarly, if you’re too calm when others are nervous, they might think you’re indifferent.
I’ve seen this happen at weddings.
The groom might be relaxed while the bride is nervous.
She interprets his calmness as a lack of care, even though he’s trying to stay composed to avoid adding to her stress.
That tendency to “dial it back” can be misinterpreted as passivity.
Calmness is valuable, but there’s an etiquette to how you display it.
How to Be Calm and Show Engagement
If you’re naturally calm, you might wonder:
“Why do I need to show I care?”
Because it helps others feel calm too.
Your job is to transfer your calmness to others, and the way to do that is by occasionally showing concern.
Not excessively…
Just enough to be relatable.
For example, if you have a big speech coming up and everyone around you is nervous, you could say:
“I hope this talk goes well. I’ve been working hard on it, and I’m feeling the pressure, you know?”
Suddenly, others realize:
“Whoa, we’re not the only nervous ones.”
A comment like that can work wonders.
It humanizes you.
When I Learned This Lesson
I’ve realized I can handle anything that depends solely on me because I trust my own actions.
What makes me nervous is when I have to rely on others.
Trusting someone’s judgment requires confidence that they can:
- Listen well.
- Differentiate between what’s important and what’s not.
- Deliver under pressure.
Trusting others can be tricky, which is why I try to make their lives as easy as possible.
When they succeed, I succeed.
There have been times when I appeared too calm for an event.
Others assumed I wasn’t feeling the same emotions they were.
However, my training from Toastmasters taught me how to regulate my breathing and manage my emotions.
If others around me were nervous, their anxiety could create a domino effect of chaos.
Rather than raising them to my level immediately, I would temporarily meet them at their level.
Then, I’d help elevate them.
A big part of leadership is meeting people where they are and guiding them to where they need to be.
Emotions Are Tricky
Calmness is a strength, but dissatisfaction and paranoia can also be assets.
Paranoia, for example, isn’t always bad.
It kept our ancestors alive by sharpening their awareness.
When you’re too calm, it can dull your senses.
Strategic paranoia encourages you to anticipate potential issues.
I’ve heard speakers ask:
“How can I stop feeling nervous before a talk?”
That’s not the right question.
Nerves are helpful.
They keep you alert and focused.
The key is to be aware of yourself and others.
If those around you lack confidence, relate to them first.
For instance, a billionaire talking only about their resources might struggle to connect with the average person.
However, if they acknowledge their flaws, they become relatable.
Despite differences in wealth, the billionaire and the common person share the same humanity.
Your calmness is a weapon.
But if misused, it can become a liability.
Relate to people first, then raise them to your level of composure.
For more insights into mindset, check out Level Up Mentality
🧠Ebook
🧠Paperback/Kindle
🧠Audiobook
– ArmaniTalks 
