Why Avoidants Face Backlash & Anxious Styles Get a Pass
Lately, I’ve been exploring different attachment styles.
Anxious, secure, dismissive avoidant, and more.
At first, I thought this might just be another psychological trend.
However, the deeper I dive, the more I realize how much these concepts explain past interactions.
Things that once seemed confusing now make a lot more sense.
I’m hesitant to immediately label myself, but if I were forced to choose between anxious and dismissive avoidant, I’d lean more toward avoidant.
A quick breakdown of anxious vs. avoidant:
- Anxious attachment: Craves constant reassurance, thrives on emotional expression, and values quality time deeply. If their partner doesn’t respond quickly, it feels like hell.
- Avoidant attachment: Struggles with emotional expression, values personal space, and prioritizes independence above all.
Given these two options, I identify more with the avoidant style.
Why Avoidants Get a Lot of Hate Online
If you lean towards being avoidant, prepare to face a lot of backlash on social media.
Avoidants are often painted as emotionally unavailable, cold, and incapable of love.
Many accuse avoidants of shutting down emotionally because they didn’t receive enough love as children.
While there’s some truth to these generalizations, they’re not the full story.
Many avoidants were raised in environments where emotional expression wasn’t prioritized.
Instead, achievements like getting an A+ were rewarded, while the stress or feelings leading to that success were ignored.
Over time, this focus on results rather than emotions can lead avoidants to disconnect from their feelings.
They turn to personal development and independence as safe spaces.
However, there’s often a deeper wound.
Many avoidants might have opened up emotionally at some point, only to have that vulnerability dismissed, exploited, or betrayed.
Experiences like being cheated on or having their feelings invalidated can reinforce the avoidant tendency to shut down emotionally.
But What About the Anxiously Attached?
Anxiously attached individuals often voice their struggles online, demanding avoidants change.
They frame themselves as delicate beings who just need proper love and reassurance to thrive.
The narrative becomes: “If the avoidant would only be more emotionally expressive, everything would be fine.”
This perspective is destructive.
Anxiously attached individuals aren’t blameless.
In many cases, they seek external validation to fill internal gaps.
Even when an avoidant partner tries to meet their needs—calling more, checking in, offering reassurance—it’s often never enough.
This constant need for validation can overwhelm the avoidant partner, leaving them feeling trapped.
The avoidant may end up sacrificing their goals and dreams to cater to their anxious partner, only to face criticism when it’s still not enough.
A Red Pill to Swallow
One person’s “avoidant” is another person’s “drama-free.”
I’ve seen anxiously attached people spiral when their partner doesn’t text back quickly, only to seek attention from exes or other sources.
When their partner discovers this, they might abruptly end the relationship.
Instead of reflecting on their actions, the anxious individual often blames the avoidant partner entirely:
“If only they loved me better, everything would have worked out.”
This victimhood mentality prevents growth.
Meanwhile, avoidants tend to process their pain differently.
They don’t vocalize their struggles as much, preferring to focus on personal development.
This creates a one-sided narrative online:
- “Anxious = good, Avoidant = bad.”
A Simple Analogy
Imagine an introvert and an extrovert in a relationship:
- The extrovert plans a jam-packed Saturday—morning brunch, afternoon golf, and an evening party. The introvert, wanting to please, agrees to everything.
- Come Sunday, the introvert asks for some quiet time. But the extrovert wants to socialize more and feels upset and accuses the introvert of being boring.
Over time, the introvert realizes they can’t sustain this level of activity.
The extrovert, meanwhile, interprets the introvert’s boundaries as a lack of interest.
This dynamic mirrors the anxious-avoidant relationship.
Both have valid needs, but their fundamental approaches to connection differ.
Anxiously attached individuals are often more vocal, but that doesn’t make them heroes or victims.
Avoidants may not share their side of the story as openly, but that doesn’t mean they’re villains.
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