The Psychology of Accepting an Apology
Just because an apology has been delivered does not mean an apology has been accepted.
You ever had a moment like that happen?
From your end, everything was well thought out.
The apology:
- Was specific.
- Had the right attitude.
- Included steps on how you would change.
Yet, the other person did not accept.
On the other hand, the opposite is also true.
You did something messed up.
No way can they forgive!
Yet, they accept.
What gives??
Behind the apology are lessons into psychology, human nature, & emotional intelligence.
Whether the apology was accepted or not.
2 Reasons Apologies are Not Accepted
There are 2 reasons apologizes are not accepted:
- It’s too late to apologize.
- It’s too deep to apologize.
Let me through both with some examples.
You ever seen those recordings of a courtroom with a killer?
The killer is apologizing to a group of people for killing their relative.
This killer is sad & can’t believe their actions.
Once the apology is complete, each member of the group comes up on stage to give some words to the killer.
They say stuff like:
-You will rot in hell.
-I will never forgive you for what you did to our family.
-I wish you suffer for life in prison.
Geez.
Tough words.
Why?
It’s because the pain is too DEEP.
Despite the killer being apologetic, the damage has been done.
The dead person is not returning.
Another reason an apology is not accepted is because of tardiness.
Imagine 2 people:
Stacy & Mike
Mike cheated on Stacy in their high school days.
After cheating, he starts seeing a flurry of girls while Stacy must rebuild herself up.
She wasn’t given an apology after she was betrayed by Mike.
15 years pass on by.
Mike realizes he has yet to find someone who made him happy like Stacy.
He decides to contact her & apologize for his past behavior.
Only problem…
Stacy is now married with kids.
She barely remembers Mike!
He is just a nuisance at this point.
Another reason an apology is not accepted.
The Mindset of Accepting an Apology
Forgiveness is an art.
It’s one of those rare acts that is done for a selfish AND selfless reason.
Selfish, so you can move on.
Selfless, so you can allow the other person to move on.
It’s easier to accept an apology under 2 occasions:
- When you have other priorities.
- When you were forgiven by someone else.
For the 1st one, other priorities…
Why is that important?
It’s because when a person has nothing else going on for them, their mind is prone to replaying the betrayal.
The negativity bias of the brain makes it easy to think about those who harmed us.
But the chances of you thinking about the betrayal reduces when you have other things going on for you.
That’s why a compelling vision builds thick skin.
At that point, it’s easier to accept the apology because holding a grudge becomes a distraction!
Accepting an apology starts off with the seed of selfishness & has the fruit of selflessness.
Another reason it becomes easier to accept an apology is that YOU were the fuckup before.
The person who kept burning bridges.
However, others forgave you.
It’s now easier to perspective shift when others get on your bad side.
Because you were once the person getting on other people’s bad sides.
A Truth About Accepting an Apology
“Forgive & forget” is a popular saying.
Yet, it’s not fully accurate.
“Forgive, Remember & Don’t Remind” is a better saying.
It’s not as catchy though.
Let me explain this quote:
- Forgiveness = The ability to extract the lesson from the betrayal. When you get the lesson, it makes sense as to why things happened the way they did.
- Remember = So the act does not happen to you again.
- Don’t Remind = If you keep bringing up the person’s error, then it’s better to not have forgiven in the first place.
The last bullet is crucial.
Consistently reminding the other person of the screwup can lead to more betrayals from them.
It’s smart to ask yourself:
‘If I forgive this person, will I keep bringing up this betrayal?’
If the answer is yes, it’s better to not forgive & just cut ties completely.
Ghost mode.
Even though Forgive, Remember & Don’t Remind is not catchy…
There is power in this statement.
Different People Require Different Apologizes
I’d be remiss to not say the following.
From my experience, men & women accept apologies differently.
Apologizes can also vary depending on the act that was committed.
What I’m about to say is a general heuristic in patterns that I’ve noticed.
When men are apologizing to other men, it’s often direct.
- I’ve had a moment when I said: ‘My bad.’
- The person I did wrong was like: ‘All good.’
The end.
We went back to normal.
I noticed women-to-women apologies are more complex.
It is nuanced & becomes a bonding opportunity.
‘A bonding opportunity??’
Yea.
I’ve learned that there are women who like to watch a sad movie and cry.
It’s therapeutic & calming for them.
There was an Everybody Loves Raymond episode on this concept.
Likewise, when 2 women are rebuilding a relationship through an apology, a part of it becomes therapeutic.
Much more complex & longer than a man-to-man apology.
When a man & a woman dynamic is introduced, the act of betrayal will determine whether the apology is accepted or not.
- If a woman cheats on a guy, the guy is often unforgiving.
- If a man hits a woman, the woman is often unforgiving.
So if an apology is accepted, it will be complex with many layers.
Therefore, understand how you deliver an apology is going to depend on the person that you’re talking to.
Just because a style works with one person does not mean it will work with another.
Accepting an Apology with Grace
People make mistakes.
It’s a part of being a person.
You ever met that person who apologizes & then keeps trying to justify what they did?
It’s a poor way to go about it.
The intent is fragmented.
In the social skills world, understanding the psychology behind moves gives more perspective.
An apology is just a series of words.
It’s the attitude that is the key.
The attitude adds color to the lifeless canvas.
With the right colors, it becomes easier to choose your next steps.
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– ArmaniTalks 
