How to Stop Making Everything About Yourself
A few days ago, I was watching Spiderman.
There was a scene in the movie when Mary Jane just got shredded by reviewers for her recent Broadway performance.
She goes to Peter Parker to vent.
He starts contributing.
Rather than empathizing with her.
Peter starts listing out the problems of him being Spiderman.
Mary Jane gets mad.
She’s like:
‘We aren’t talking about you. Why are you making it all about yourself?’
Peter is confused.
He was sharing the troubles of being Spiderman to show that he was empathizing with Mary Jane.
His message was to tune out the hate.
Both people perceived this scenario differently.
This difference in perception is one of the first things you want to understand when you ask:
- How do I stop making everything about myself?
Spotlight Jacking
I have this friend who is skilled.
An artist you can say.
He knows how to get a topic that has 0% connection with him…
And make it 100% about himself.
You can tell a story about polar bears.
And soon, he will go off about the time he dreamt about polar bears.
Quite remarkable really.
In the social skills world, this is known as spotlight jacking.
Spotlight jacking is when you take the content of someone else’s message to make it about yourself.
This infuriates the other person.
It’s because it gives them the idea that you aren’t really listening.
Why People Spotlight Jack
‘Do people who spotlight jack mean harm?’
Some may.
They are overly narcissistic and want everything to be about them.
Others often have no clue.
Heck, they think they are doing a good thing!
Peter Parker didn’t mean any harm to Mary Jane when he began talking about himself.
He thought he was doing his best to relate to the story.
So, his intent was pure.
But his behavior was suboptimal.
‘If the intent was pure, why was the behavior suboptimal?’
Because despite your intent, when you insert yourself into their story…
Their mind will view it as you trying to make it about yourself.
Even though your intent is pure.
They will question your judgment.
When they question your judgment, they will second guess your intent.
How to Stop Making Everything About Yourself
To stop making everything about yourself, listen to listen, rather than listening to respond.
- Listening to listen is when you listen in streams.
- Listening to respond is when you listen in fragments.
‘Can you give me an example of listening to respond?’
Sure.
Imagine Sam has been learning about commercial real estate as of late.
One day, his cousin Rohit is in town.
Sam takes Rohit out to eat.
Sam asks Rohit what he has been up to.
Rohit says he has started studying commercial real estate as of late.
If Sam was listening to respond, then simply hearing commercial real estate was all that was needed for him to stop listening.
Commercial real estate resonates with Sam’s experiences.
So, now he stopped listening and is looking to respond.
Sam desperately wants to say:
‘I too have been learning about commercial real estate!’
But if Sam was listening to listen, then ‘commercial real estate’ wouldn’t be such a sticky phrase.
He’s not stuck on that fragment of the conversation.
Instead, he is still listening to the stream of Rohit’s response.
Which ends with Rohit saying:
‘That’s when I realized commercial real estate wasn’t for me. My real love was always engineering.’
Dangers of Assuming
‘Why do so many well-intentioned people make everything about themselves?’
There are a lot of reasons for this.
Sometimes, it’s a poor focus.
Other times, they are relating to your story to build more rapport with you.
And other times, it’s because they are assuming.
Assuming is dangerous to your charisma.
That’s why there is the quote:
When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.
This is also why it’s difficult to listen to people you are close with.
There’s a high degree of familiarity.
You think you know everything about them.
When you think you already know most things… the likelihood of assuming skyrockets.
Sometimes, the assumptions hold to be true.
Other times, the assumptions are dead wrong.
It’s important to melt away assumptions and remain curious.
The more curious you are, the easier it will be to stop making everything about yourself.
Dealing with an Egotistical Personality
Talking to an egotistical personality is draining.
This is when you are being socially intelligent.
- Listening.
- Responding.
- Asking questions.
But they still have this draining energy that sucks the life out of you.
Maybe this is a person you can’t get away from.
What then?
If it’s a person you can’t get away from, then use them as an emotional workout.
Just like going to the gym requires pain to grow…
Dealing with difficult personalities builds social skills.
Other than that, the main thing we can do is control our behavior.
Avoid being an egotistical person.
There will be times when we accidentally get caught in the act.
Our attempt at showing that we related to their story caused us to take the spotlight away from them.
Their body language shows they are not pleased.
Own up to it and say:
‘My bad… You were saying?’
Occasionally taking away the spotlight isn’t bad.
But not giving the spotlight back is a felony in all 50 states!!
Building Social Intelligence
There are a lot of quirks in the social skills world.
Something that we consider normal may be annoying the hell out of someone else.
Are you looking to sharpen your social skills?
If so, then be sure to check out my book:
This book will teach you:
- How to melt away social awkwardness.
- Practical frameworks to ask better questions
- How to keep the conversation going with others.
- Strategies to building a social circle.
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If so grab a copy here:
– ArmaniTalks 
