‘Are You Nervous?’ The Worst Question You Can Ask Before a Speech
A long time ago, I had a speech coming up for a wedding.
I was one of the best men.
I recall constantly being bombarded with:
“Are you nervous? Geez, I would be!”
Other people would make insensitive remarks like:
“You better not mess this up!”
At that point, I wasn’t too nervous.
I had been a Toastmaster for a few years, and public speaking was in my blood by then.
But if this had been a few years earlier, I would have been mortified.
These people were trying to relate to me the best they could before my speech.
However, asking if I was nervous like that was very inappropriate.
Why People Ask if You’re Nervous
People ask if you’re nervous by default.
It’s not about you; it’s more about them.
For example, if someone tells you they are engaged, the default response is to ask:
“So, when’s the wedding?”
Maybe they don’t plan to have the wedding anytime soon, but the person asking doesn’t know that!
It’s just human nature to default to that question when they hear: “We’re engaged.”
Likewise, people with little public speaking experience have no clue what to ask someone who is preparing for a speech. So, they default to:
“Are you nervous?”
Then they try to relate more by saying:
“Geez, I would be!”
Because they probably would be nervous.
From their perspective, they’re just making small talk.
From the speaker’s perspective, they’re making them more nervous.
How the Speaker Feels When They’re Asked if They’re Nervous
When a speaker is asked a deflating question before a speech, they feel more deflated.
Imagine having a conversation with someone, and they keep asking you discouraging questions.
Are you going to feel empowered?
Nope!
When you ask someone if they’re nervous, they start thinking:
“Why? Do I look nervous?”
Especially when 2-3 people begin asking them.
That happened to me before the wedding speech.
At least three people asked me if I was nervous, and I actually started to feel nervous.
Imagine you’re about to jump out of a plane for your first skydiving session.
Now imagine two scenarios:
- Your skydiving instructor tells you how thrilling skydiving is, how it will alter your perspective for the better, and how it will make you a risk-taker in other areas of your life.
- Your instructor tells you horror stories about skydiving gone wrong, that it’s their first time being an instructor, and how they just got divorced.
Which scenario would make you feel better?
The first one, of course!
So, be the same with people who have a high-pressure situation coming up.
Many of them are terrified.
One wrong question could make them freeze up on stage or throw in the towel.
What to Ask the Speaker Instead
Instead of asking, “Are you nervous?” here are two alternative approaches:
- Ignore that they have a speech coming up and ask them how life is going.
- Ask them if they’re excited.
For the first option, you help them see today as just another day.
Despite it being different, you don’t acknowledge it too much.
If you make too big of a deal, you might make them nervous.
Just go with the flow.
It’s like dealing with a shy person—the worst thing you can ask is, “Why are you so quiet?”
Instead, act as if you haven’t noticed they’re shy and continue the conversation.
It’s the same with public speaking.
Ask them if they caught the recent game, how work is going, how their workouts are going, etc.
On the other hand, some speakers like to keep the conversation about the upcoming speech.
For them, follow the second option and ask:
“Excited?”
This question frames everything in an empowering way.
It forces them to think uplifting thoughts.
Even if they are nervous, they’ll temporarily forget.
When you ask, “Excited?” they’ll start feeling excited!
What To Do if Someone Asks if You’re Nervous
If you’re a speaker and people keep asking if you’re nervous, don’t let it get to you.
Easier said than done, I know.
However, it gets easier with practice.
Over time, as you gain more public speaking experience, you’ll realize people ask that question on autopilot.
It has nothing to do with you.
It’s their issue.
The more you expect something, the less it rattles you.
Expect people to ask if you’re nervous.
Just say, “Nah, I’m good,” and change the subject.
A bonus tip:
Smile more leading up to your speech.
It makes it easier to brush off awkward comments.
A smile acts as a shield against any negativity coming your way.
It’s the ultimate confidence boost.
Final Thoughts
Quit asking people if they’re nervous before a speech.
In fact, stop asking that question entirely.
People default to that question for any high-pressure moment, not just public speaking.
I hate that question, and I never ask it.
When someone asks you that, brush it off and move on.
Try to find someone else to talk to.
Unfortunately, you won’t always be able to dodge these people, so just accept it.
Public speaking isn’t only about you; it’s about the audience too.
Become a battle-tested public speaker.
Nothing can faze you.
We don’t grow when everything is going well.
We grow when we’re challenged and don’t quit.
If you’re asked if you’re nervous before a speech, see it as a challenge you’ll overcome.
For more insights into public speaking, check out the Speaking Wizard eBook
– ArmaniTalks 
